Christmas in July. This is the perfect opportunity for stepfamilies to create traditions and makememories.

I’m all about traditions. Traditions help establish a unique identity for a family and create common memories. These two things bring positive benefits to a blended family.

One of the traditions I created for our stepfamily is celebrating Christmas in July. I try and pick a day that is hot outside and when all the kids will be home. We stay in our jammies, watch Christmas movies and drink frozen hot chocolate. One year I made sugar cookies and put up one of the small Christmas trees. There are no gifts to open. The gift of this tradition is a day to be silly, spend time together and celebrate the blessing of family with little chance of plans being changed.

Lots of laughs. One year I served the Elf diet… candy, candy canes and candy corn.


If you are in a stepfamily, you understand the blessing of being flexible. Of all the times of year, the holidays are a time where many remarried couples have to put their commitment to be flexible for the sake of the kids to the test.

Around Thanksgiving time each year, I begin getting emails from stepmoms sharing their hurt over schedules changed last minute and learning they won’t have their stepkids as planned at the holidays. This has happened in the past and they anticipate it will happen in the current year. The pain in their husband’s heart––breaks their heart. So many plans and special outings often get tainted with sadness when a child isn’t allowed to come over or plans are changed last minute by the other home.

Given the hardships that can come at the holidays in regards to schedules and the desire to create holiday traditions, I wanted to share and encourage you to consider a Christmas in July with your stepfamily. The date on the calendar is not the most important thing to the kids. Being together, having low stress and enjoying each other’s company is what matters to them.

Here are some ideas for a Christmas in July party (keep it simple):

• Cookie decorating station. Pre-bake sugar cookies and let the kids decorate.
• Christmas movie marathon. Each family member picks a Christmas movie to watch.
• Snow ball fight! We use partnerless white socks and roll them into a ball for a snowball fight. If you prefer to have a snowball outside, fill up white balloons with water for a melted snowball fight.
• Play Christmas music and dance around.
• Have a silly Santa gift exchange. Every family member wraps up a silly gift and you exchange in a circle.
• Frozen hot chocolate bar. Put out lots of toppings for this easy to make and yummy drink.
• Pack Santa hats and hit the beach. Build a sand snowman and take family photos with everyone in their Santa hat. These photos will make great Christmas cards in a few months.
• Get on Pinterest and google Christmas in July. You will find plenty of ideas, recipes and printables.

And the list goes on…..

Christmas is about celebrating the gift of our Savior. While the holidays are a special time they can become tainted with pain when kids don’t get to spend time with all parents. Hosting a Christmas in July day (whether spontaneous or getting the kids to help plan) creates a special tradition and memory for your family. Even if you have peaceful and blessed holidays with the kids, a Christmas in July is a fun time and a unique tradition that can bless your family.

Would love your thoughts. Is this something you do with your family? What ideas can you share with other stepmoms for a Christmas in July? Let’s get creative stepmom sisters.

Safe.

Webster’s describes this adjective as “protected from or not exposed to danger or risk; not likely to be harmed or lost.” 

Thinking of that definition, one can conclude there is no absolute safety in life. We live in an imperfect world amongst imperfect people–true safety is an unrealistic expectation.

When your safety is violated, your heart is wounded. As a woman whose emotional safety was shattered when my first husband left, I can tell you in those early months, I had never felt more unsafe. My heart was trampled, my emotions were tangled and physically I felt unprotected as a single mom of four.

Then Jesus grabbed a hold of my heart. I felt a safety in His presence I had never felt before. The safety I felt with God enabled me to trust the plan He had for my life and to forgive and to seek healing and peace. My life didn’t get physically easier but my heart began to heal and my head found hope. That changed my life.

As a single mom, I had found peace in my life. I wasn’t looking to date or remarry. Then… I met Andy. While I thought I could never trust another man with my heart again, there wasn’t even a question about whether I could trust him–I did. When we were dating and talking of  blending our two families, I felt a safety in his love and the plan we had for the future of our big blended family.

My husband’s love was intoxicating. I had never felt the intensity of love or the level of emotional safety before that I felt when I was in my husband’s presence. I felt safe in my husband’s love and while it wasn’t a conscious decision, I began to put more expectations on my husband for my happiness instead of God.

Once again, I was reminded that the only true safety is found in Jesus. Our big blended family came with big hurts in the kids and some issues with my husband’s ex-spouse. While my husband and I had processed our divorces from our first spouse–our kids had not. Divorce is hard on kids.

My emotional safety was shredded upon becoming a stepmom. I was left raw and vulnerable in those early months as I shared my hurts with my husband and my most trusted friends only to be met with resistance and judgement.  Not only was I hurting over things I never anticipated experiencing as a new stepmom, I was dealing with the emotional pain of being misunderstood. I felt alone. The pain pricked at places deep within me that I had long ago stuffed down. I felt judged, criticized and rejected. Those are hard feelings to process for a woman like me who is so deeply relational and has a heart for others.

Often its hard for a spouse in a step-relationship to hear how their child has hurt you so they may minimize the pain (which isn’t safe for you), dismiss it or even put it on you. While the desire of the heart would be for our spouse to just listen, the reality is that they are listening with a human heart and may have a human reaction.

I posted the question on Facebook: What does the word “safe” look like in your family? Here are a few of the responses I received:

“Being able to express our feelings no matter how awful in the moment.”

“Unconditional love and honesty.”

“Openness and stability”

“Not being judged”

“Accepted, permission to fail, able to “let down guard”…security”

The above are blessings to any relationship and things that I too desire in my marriage and family. However, they aren’t realistic to experience 100% of the time. People are human and they will disappoint. I’m human and I know that while I don’t want to disappoint others, I do at times.

I have found through this journey that the only true safety is that which I experience through God. The above are all things that can be found in God’s presence. He doesn’t promise nor give me safe days but in His word, I find the emotional safety of His love and His gift of salvation. That is constant and unchanging regardless of my struggles in life.

When I find my worth in God, I am never disappointed. When I put my worth in the hands and words of others my heart can be hurt. That is the reality of human nature.

In stepfamily life, if you derive your happiness from the words and/or actions of your spouse, your stepkids, or your husband’s ex-wife––you are giving your power to others instead of the One who created you and has the power to give you your heart’s desires.

I’ve come to the conclusion that you can’t be vulnerable and feel love and be 100% emotionally safe all the time. Mercy, grace and forgiveness cover the space that is between safe and vulnerable. (Please note, I’m talking about getting your feelings hurt not being verbally abused. If you are in a verbally abusive relationship please get help. It is never okay for anyone to injure you with words or actions.)

Emotional safety is possible in your stepfamily. It is possible through the love, truth and promises of God.

Dear Heavenly Father, there are times when I share my heart with my spouse, my stepkids or a friend and I feel that my heart is trampled on. The hurt is so deep yet no one seems to care or notice. God, help me to seek You in my darkest hours and my brightest days. May I live the truth that true safety only comes from you. I know to love I must be vulnerable and I do not want to close up my heart to protect it. This journey is tough and I don’t want to harden my heart as I navigate it. Help me to keep my eyes focused on You and my heart open to others. May I learn to put up boundaries and not barriers.

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This post was written in response to this week’s #livefree prompt: Safe from Suzi Eller. Read more posts on this topic by going to her website.

What are your thoughts on this topic? Do you feel emotional safety in your stepfamily? Marriage? What are your thoughts on finding safety in Jesus? What is the biggest struggle you have with emotional safety in your stepfamily?

Healthy communication is vital for a healthy stepcouple relationship. There are keys to communicating that unlock paths to share difficult things with each other. Those keys are very important to stepcouples who often find themselves discussing concern’s about one another’s children. Just asthere are tools to help communication there are also things that erode communication between stepcouples.  One of those is the word “but”.

But…..

It’s only three letters but it packs a punch.

When we give our spouse a compliment or thank them and place the word “but” afterwards, chances are we diminish or downplay the positive words we just spoke. The same happens when they thank us and connect it with a complaint or concern.

Let’s take a look at some hypothetical statements a husband might make to his wife (the stepmom of his kids):

“Thanks for handling the homework issue with Sally but I didn’t like the tone you used with her.”

“Thanks for having dinner ready when I got home but Jenny (the stepdaughter) said she doesn’t feel like chicken tonight. Can you make her something else?

“I see you are really putting effort into connecting with my daughter but I don’t like the way you are bringing things to me regarding her.”

“I understand it was hurtful when my son lied to you but why can’t you just be the adult and let it go?”

“I appreciate you picking up the kids from their mom’s house but my the ex called and she doesn’t want you honking when you are in the driveway.”

Do you see the two separate thoughts separated by “but”?

What do you remember more––the sentiment before or after “but”?

The word “but” is a conjunction. It’s designed to transition to a contrast. Think about those sentences above. What would happen if we took out the “but……”?

“Thanks for handling the homework issue with Sally.”

“Thanks for having dinner ready when I got home.”

“I see you are really putting effort into connecting with my daughter.”

“I understand it was hurtful when my son lied to you.”

“I appreciate you picking up the kids.”

Can you see, feel, and hear the difference?

This last set of sentences stop after the positive. They stay focused on the good that has been observed. They are not tainted with any negativity. You feel good when you read them and/or hear them. You feel valued.

Because the word “but” contrasts, we tend to only hear the last part and it diminishes the compliment. When that happens, the speaker feels like their compliment was overlooked and that their spouse is ungrateful––leaving the speaking spouse feeling frustrated. Yet the spouse who received the contrasting compliment doesn’t truly hear the positive words because the negative feels so much louder. They feel their good deeds have been diminished and don’t often believe that the positive portion is authentic because it was minimized with the negative.

I shared some examples of what might be said to you. However, you may be guilty of using the same big “but” with your spouse. I know, I have been in the past. I’ve found that when my husband is giving me a compliment and it has a “but” in it, I mostly hear what I think he thinks I’m doing wrong. I recognize that is my choice of how I interpret his words. Ironically, when I use “but” with him, he too focuses on the later half of my sentences. So we both do it. We both don’t like it when the other one does it. I’ve gotten much better at taking that word captive and when he uses it I’m much better about not assuming the worse (prayer has helped with that).

I’m asking you to take the “Big But” challenge. For the next week, try not to use the word “but” if you are contrasting a positive with a negative. Instead, speak the positive. Stop. Pause. Wait a few hours. If you still feel you need to address something with your spouse, approach and ask if its a good time. Chances are after you thank your spouse and/or say something nice––your heart will be filled with gratitude and you’ll loose your desire to bring up what would have come after “but.”

Note, this challenge does not include you correcting your spouse if he uses the word “but”. I believe by you engaging in being mindful about the word you’ll model it for your husband and family.

This may be hard. Not buts about it. You can do it!

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Are you a big user of the word “but”? Can you relate to the notion that connecting a positive with a negative often diminishes the positive portion? How does this type of language impact your marriage? Will you take the challenge?

Wrote this in response to the #LiveFree community prompt: “When your but gets in the way…” viaSuzanne Eller’s website. Check out other great posts on this topic?